The Slow Burn of Abuse

Here we go again. Another rough topic. Maybe some of you are thinking, ugh, why does she do this but more than likely those of you who feel that way do not follow my work because if you do follow my work then you know one of my creative gifts is to poeticize and alchemize pain. This is fundamental to my craft in both the way that I practice with myself and the spaces that I hold, professionally, with others. I love tackling these tough topics primarily to create connection and open conversation around the taboo, the frightening and the spiritually unbecoming arenas that we need to discuss openly and with greater compassion.

And with that, we will start this conversation with compassion. I cannot tell you how many times I have had a client sit with me, either in person, or over the phone, in tears, clearly energetically collapsed and tell me how they are trying to have compassion for their abuser, for their toxic spouse, boss, parent or sibling, how they are trying to forgive them for the damage experienced, either willfully or through neglect, at these people's hands. I feel great compassion for them, my clients I mean, for the state of pain and confusion that they are carrying and then I will take a deep breath, wait for the energy to open and state very clearly and without malice... fuck compassion.

Inevitably they gassssp! What?! Ya. I know this goes against pretty much everything most of us have heard spiritually about forgiveness and healing. But there ya have it. I'm a heretic. And I'd rather see you actually heal than stick to dogmatic notions of propriety as you keep recycling your pain. SO once again, for the folk in the back....fuck compassion and fuck forgiving your perpetrators one moment before you, yourself feel solid, sovereign and in tact; mind, body and spirit.

Real compassion begins with boundaries. Boundaries are exactly what are violated when you are abused so until you have fully reestablished your energetic structure you have no business extending compassion to the person or people that hurt you and the same goes for forgiveness.

Often after I make this statement, fuck compassion, the person I am sitting with is almost instantly flooded with rage, grief and often a sense of shame, both over their own feelings, that apparently, they are not supposed to have, as well as whatever they have internalized from their abuser. This is the exact moment that true healing begins. We don't heal by trying to maintain our polite facades, by doing what is socially and spiritually right. We heal when we learn to do rite by our souls, fully feel our feelings and let our precious bodies relinquish the burdens of shame, should and supposed to and simply be the wild creatures that dwell just beneath our social skins.

Here's the thing, most people who have been abused are already overly sensitive to others conditions. More than likely they have analyzed the situation and have empathized with the others wounds and toxicity even more so than they have with their own. The very act of violence or abuse is, in its nature, dehumanizing for both the victim and the perpetrator. Yes, the abuser absolutely has to thrust aside his or her humanity in order to hurt or violate another and it is entirely possible and even likely that the reason that they are doing it is because they, themselves, have been hurt and dehumanized along the way and they are playing out their own internalization of that abuse now.

Yeah, that fucking sucks for them, for you, but no matter what the story is, you are not responsible for what they are doing with their pain, confusion, anger and toxicity. Feeling forgiveness for them before you have fully encompassed and processed your own pain, anger, grief and yes, even toxicity will not help you but will actually keep that fragmented part of you separate where it can continue to act out through shadow, the unresolved pain that has not been acknowledged.

NOW this is the exactly appropriate place to feel compassion, for the hurt, mangled, violated, angry and grieving part of you as well as any parts of you that have bonded with the abusive person, or internalized those patterns, voices, feelings and activities. That is where your compassion is needed, you to you. That is how you rebuild your boundaries, your energetic structure, your sense of identity and self worth. In that moment when grief and rage rear their ugly little heads, instead of running, numbing, shrinking in shame and false spiritual propriety, you plant your feet, lift your head and release that roar that has been stagnating in your belly for too long.

The reason that abuse can be such a long, slow burn and continue to smolder long after it is over, within us, is because we suppress the pain that we are not capable of dealing with in the moment it occurs and when it attempts to bubble to the surface again, we run, numb it and try to convince ourselves we are further along on the road to healing by bypassing real processing with artificial forgiveness. Don't get me wrong, forgiveness is powerful and deeply cathartic when it is organic. And forgiveness arises organically, when we feel whole, strong and stable once again. It is entirely possible for a person to heal from abuse without ever extending compassion and forgiveness to their abusers.

What truly needs forgiveness is the part of you that couldn't protect yourself. What really needs your compassion is the pain, hurt, anger and grief that is still carried in your body. Once that has been honored and released, it is more than likely that you will either feel a natural peace for those who have hurt you or you will simply not give two shits about them. And hey, maybe that's the same thing. It's entirely possible and wholly spiritual to fucking boot, to move forward in your life, whole, healed, healing without ever giving a single fuck about a person who hurt you, ever again.

If this approach to healing, compassion, forgiveness and boundaries appeals to you and you are ready to move forward, empowered in your life and relationships, I offer my services as mystic guide and healer. I utilize a potent combination of energetic healing and hypnosis to help people recover from trauma and access their innocence and creativity to play with life with all they are!

Contact me at http://www.playfullyconscious.com/